Before I delve into this revelation, I want first to reveal the effects of threatening, shaming, cursing, verbally, and physically abusing a child, which most parents use as a disciplinary strategy.
Why do we discipline a child? Isn’t bringing a positive change in the behavior of a child the sole aim of discipline? If after applying the aforementioned disciplinary strategy, there isn’t a positive change in the behavior of the child, then you have not disciplined. I call that strategy the “X disciplinary Strategy”. Many times, we abuse our child thinking we discipline. Here are the effects of the “X disciplinary strategy” on a child; Lack of confidence, bullying, always withdrawn, being vulnerable, afraid of parents, or being violent.
Well, I don’t think you want all these for your child/children. When you consider the long-term effects of the “X disciplinary strategy” on your child, I am sure you will redefine what discipline is to you. Remember, God has called that child for a purpose and if you shut the child up with such discipline, how can that child be confident to fulfill the purpose?
Now what is Discipline? Discipline is Teaching, Correcting, Guiding, and Directing a child to walk through a negative behavior or attitude and become a better person. This, I call the “Y Disciplinary strategy”.
Now you may ask, how do you apply this strategy? That is the essence of this article. Stay with me.
Here are the Principles for effective discipline.
I have used these principles -I am a mother of 3 biological children and an adopted child, -and I am still using this method and it works. Principles are general but methods are personal. Try these!
1: Use teaching as a tool for discipline. If we only correct and not teach, discipline will be ineffective and mistakes will be inevitable. Children are bound to make mistakes, even adults. When such mistakes occur, don’t just correct the child, by yelling and saying things like “Don’t do this again”, “You shouldn’t have done that”, or “What you did was wrong”, without teaching the child the correct behavior, the child won’t learn. For me, mistakes are an opportunity for me to teach. This is to help my child not to make such mistakes again. Teaching exposes the child to learning and reminds them of that good behavior. Correcting is pointing out what is wrong, while teaching is telling the child how to do it. So, discipline and correct by telling the child what to do so the mistake won’t be repeated.
2: Be values aligned. Everything rises and falls on values. Our values drive our decisions and our decisions drive our life. When a family is values aligned, it will function based on the family value system. If we structure our homes and live by some set values, it’s easier to raise and discipline a child in such an environment. The child will behave based on the family value system.
3: Model the change you seek. Science has proven that children learn through observation. Everything we do before them is being studied and imitated consciously or unconsciously. As parents, it’s our duty to model good behavior to our children. If you don’t want your child to tell lies, be an honest parent too. Don’t stay in front of them and take a call and tell the person calling you, that you are driving to see him/her when you are home with your children having lunch. Read more about this principle here. https://valuesfordailyliving.com/2022/04/23/why-kids-lie .Don’t intentionally give empty promises to people or even your children. Be a person of integrity. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Don’t treat your driver, housemaids, or office staff with contempt. Your children might never have the opportunity to learn empathy, compassion, and love, which are the wheels on which humanity thrives.
4: Use of consequences: For many negative actions in my home there are immediate and fair consequences. I realized how often I yelled and had headaches many years back because I lacked the knowledge and skills to raise and discipline my children. But when I sought knowledge, I started having less headaches and more sanity in my home. The use of consequences is a perfect way to discipline. Let all unbearable negative actions have a consequence. For instance, if a child misbehaves:
You can withhold the child’s toy for a while.
You can give some punishments to the child.
You can exclude the child from participating in any fun activity at the moment. Let the child watch others go out and enjoy, while he/she stays back. Remember to tell the child the reason for not joining the team. Very important.
You can ask the child to write an apology letter, then the letter will be repeated 5, 10, 20, 50, or 100 times in a foolscap sheet or 20 leaves, as the case may be. Give aged-appropriate figures.
You can withhold some privileges from the child.
Parents can also ban the child from watching Television or playing games when it is screen time. Just give a consequence for the action and let the child know why you gave a consequence.
5. Connect with the child: Parents who do not have healthy relationships with their child will find it difficult to discipline the child. The truth is, without relationships discipline leads to rejection, and rules lead to rebellion. Discipline without a relationship leads to anger, resentment, and bitterness -Wendy Ologe. So, parents must intentionally build their relationships with their children. Bonding is pivotal in discipline.
6. Set Rules and Boundaries: Have rules and boundaries guiding your home. It will help the children to behave better—for instance, no watching of television on weekdays when school is in session, only on weekends.
7. Follow through: You see this part? That’s the chief of them all. If you start any discipline, setting of rules, boundaries, etc., please follow through. That way you will get the desired result.
Research shows that it can take 18-254 days for a person to form a new habit and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. So, while in this process, be consistent and patient enough to welcome change. Keep re-enforcing these teachings and you will see a change in the behaviour of the child.
I believe this meets you well. I am rooting for you. God bless you!!